|
|
MICHELLE KELSEY [IM CONCEITED I GOT A REASON]
|
|
|
| Cause without you inside me I can't survive. |
[Monday
Jan. 8th @
8:51pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Eminem "The Way I Am |
] |
So, I wasn't going to go see Chelsea yesterday because I hadn't talked to her and I was mad because she laughed at me getting into an accident. That hurt. A lot. If one thing had changed I could've flipped my car and been smashed against a cement block and been seriously injured. I'm so thankful that nothing serious happened and just my bumper got fucked up. And for her to LAUGH about it, is like a slap in the face. I figured Courtney and I would just go to Woodstock for the day and hang out down there....ya know have some girl time. I was cool with that. So, I'm driving and my phone rings and she's giving me twenty questions and I'm like alright, I'll stop by and see you. So, that was an adventure. I'm never driving to Germantown again. Ugh. Lol. So, we picked her up and I don't know....it was weird. But, it was cool. It was nice to actually see her. We drove to Woodstock and it was so weird driving through Saugerties. It really was. I don't know why either. Like, I kept thinking I could know these roads like the back of my hand and what would my life have been like had I not moved. All these questions coming and going. Not to mention I was kind of high so that always makes thinking more complex. Anyways, I realized that I love her. Well, I already knew that, but like I love her. Even when she's a dick and she fucks with my head. Even though sometimes the bad outweighs the good. Even though I know she doesn't love me and that she probably only keeps me around because I'm someone who's going to always be there. Always, no matter what. And I fucking hate that. I hate it so much.
I need to get more money. More more more more money. Money money money. That's all this world is about.
It's quite sad.
|
|
|
| My thoughts on New Years. |
[Sunday
Dec. 31st @
5:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
I think it's a sad excuse for people to get trashed and try to forget the shitty year they just had and not think about the shitty year that lies ahead or hope for a better year.
Maybe I'm just pessimistic because I'm not where I wanted to be for New Year's. But, it doesn't matter that it's New Year's. I just wanted to be with her for a day or two. Jeez. Is that too much to ask? But, of course it is.
Anyways, I'm spending New Year's alone in my house watching movies and eating food I shouldn't eat.
Chelsea and I are conversing again. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm setting myself up to go insane. That's what I'm doing. But, it's cool. Because well, it's not but we'll pretend it is.
I think I'm gonna go down to Crossgates tomorrow just for the hell of it.
|
|
|
| Who knows? |
[Friday
Dec. 22nd @
3:32pm] |
I don't know what I'm doing. Chelsea and I aren't talking anymore. And I miss the way it was before the whole bullshit with Melissa went down. But, things change and people don't. I should've known it wouldn't be different this time. I should've known you'd use the same old line. I guess deep down I knew that's how it'd end up. You can't blame a girl for hoping that the one person she's in love with wouldn't fuck her over again, can you?
You can. I know you can. It's just as much my fault for agreeing to try things again, for letting her in, and trusting her. But, it's more her fault for fucking it all up.
I hope she doesn't think that when I move to New Paltz that we're going to be together, or that we'll ever be together. Because we're not. I promised myself that if she hurt me again or fucked me over or went back with Melissa that I was done, for good.
And although I love her and I wish more than anything she'd IM me and say she's sorry and we could fix this. It can't happen. Because I'm weak right now. All the forces I'd built were blown to pieces. And I don't know if I'll be strong enough to say no.
What hurts is that she couldn't wait until after I went down there. After we spent some time face to face. No. I don't know why she's so scared to just be with me. But, that's her problem now. Something she'll always have to live with.
I gotta go to work.
|
|
|
| Not named. |
[Thursday
Dec. 14th @
3:21pm] |
And you tell me nothing’s changed…
It’s all the same.
But, it has and we both know it.
I can feel it in the way we speak and the way the wind blows.
The days haven’t been so good,
And I’m wondering if we ever could.
And the nights are cold and long
I just wish it all didn’t feel so wrong.
Everything was going so right.
I don’t know what happened to make it all stop.
I know I shouldn’t be hurt and upset
Because it’s not like it’s over yet.
And all you say is I don’t know.
What I don’t get, is how I know.
I know that we should be together.
And I know that it’s what I want.
But, you just don’t know.
You don’t know.
And your not knowing is killing me.
But, again, you don’t even know.
|
|
|
| Don't you wish.... |
[Wednesday
Dec. 13th @
8:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
So, have you ever noticed that when you actually TRY to be happy you get nothing but misery and when you don't want to be happy cause you've finally gotten content with being miserable something happens that makes you happy and you just perpetuate the cycle??
Well, that always seems to happen to me. It's like happiness is gravity and everytime you get up you get pulled right back down.
Chelsea and I have been a little rocky lately because of some bullshit with Melissa...I feel like she's tearing us apart...if there even is an us. I don't want to lose her again. And I won't without a fight. Not this time, not ever. IF she breaks us then I'm done, it's over. You only get one second chance from me. And that goes for the situation with Hilary, I'm not planning on being friends with her again. I already gave her a second chance and she broke our friendship to be best friends with Cassandra. I hope you're happy with that.
Anyways, I'm really nervous about going to the city. I don't know. I'm just really scared that she's going to see me and realize she really doesn't want to be with me. I'm scared that I'm not going to be good enough for her. I wasn't last time and I still stuck around, but I'm not going to forever. I can't keep doing that to myself. Ya know? And this whole situation with Melissa isn't helping us AT ALL. I really want to understand, and I want to be everything she needs. But, I also need her to accept me for who I am and that means taking the good with the bad.
I'm really ready for Graduation. I need to get away from this place. From all these people. I need to meet new ones. I also, need to go get clothes to workout in and get a membership to the Y.
I guess I'm done bullshitting.
|
|
|
| Little Update: |
[Sunday
Nov. 26th @
12:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Cunt-y |
] |
I'm not going to the city...I'm going to New Paltz....SUNY New Paltz...as long as I get in.
I'm excited for it. I'll be about an hour from the city. I can't wait to get out and get on with the worse times than what I've got now. (:
Good Night.
|
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|